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It's slowly sinking in.

Very slowly.

Well, we've always known it'll probably end up like this. Probably. That's the operative word that makes a fool, courageous -- in turn making 7% of the population extremely elated with a positive result, and the rest of us just schmucks.

We're 97%, the majority, and yet why does it feel like we're so alone in our misery?

It's a lot more painful than I thought it would be, realizing that, most likely, you won't get what you've been aching to get. Regardless of the preparation, the psyching-yourself-up, it still hurts when it does happen. Compound that with it being agonizingly calculating, deliberately moving. Like a knife being slipped in the pit of your stomach -- a millimeter at a time.

And when the hilt touches your pierced skin, it still won't stop there. Now, you slowly turn the blade -- a degree an minute. Even if it's impossibly unbearable, it's not as if you can tel time, "can you speed it up a little and fast forward to roses and daisies?"

Then you realize no matter how you think it's unbearable, it's still bearable (duh). You just wish that you didn't have to. Then you'll wake up one day finally sporting that giddy smile everyone hopes you'd be wearing... Then we'll all hope that everything that's happening now... all the slow, deliberate, painful things... are worth it.

And yet another of them sinking-feeling-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach bit.

Can't I get used to another emotion other than pain and/or rejection? I mean nothing has even started and I already feel like a muck.

Turn tail and run. That's what's been ringing in my head for a while now. Coincidentally a new song from the Young Knives as well. I haven't articulated how I really felt recently because it's be a mileu of emotions for quite some time now.

My wish to disappear here is still there, though I have friends now that I don't think I will enjoy leaving that much. I read books that say that time passes even for us, broken hearted, broken spirited, us with broken souls. Time passes no matter how it aches, and it will not wait for us no matter how much we beg. We shant get left behind because it will just compound our present misery by adding future oportunity lost.

An upcoming opportunity to just disappear is fast approaching and I cannot turn a blind eye on a potential escape -- a fresh start. Funny this comes now when life has been... dare I say... better than crappy of late. But time passes, even for me. It's a chance to move. Just something new in this life under-appreaciation.

I know I have vowed before... but I will try to write more. In the hopes of someone reading, I will log what's in my lethargic head. Maybe someone will notice.

I took a candid shot of my friend, Bea, and her fiancee, Mark, while we were watching SPIT, an improv show. They then submitted it to one of Sony's Smiles Promo where it featured the photo in Times Square!


Click here to see other photos featured in Times Square.

One day you will say it and I will crumble gracefully like I practiced a million times in front of the mirror.

And that day, as I waft across the crowded room, escaping the jaws of tears, you will try to explain, but no matter how I try to compose and re-compose myself, I won't be able to keep together and I will just leave.

I can't understand why you would do such a thing. Why now, when you have an over-abundance of love that even other people cannot imagine? Why now when you know you are with the few friends that you have? Why now when I am here, hopelessly, desperately, excruciatingly waiting for you... a chance to be with you?

What was there that felt so good that you risked -- knew -- losing all of this?

What can I do? When I'm asked who (or what) you are, I stammer and just end up not saying anything -- fearing (and knowing) that no words an describe "you" and "us". I gave you my entire world, knowing you cannot reciprocate, knowing you are too much of a coward to do anything, knowing I will die in the process, not asking for anything in return -- not asking anything at all.

All you've given me is this anxiety.

Who am I to ask for anything? Who am I to say how it eats me up inside how I can only wait for details to come vicarously through conversation? What right do I have to share the harrowing pain tearing through my soul when your not around, let alone, with someone else? I am just like everyone else... exaclty like everyone else... no different.

So I chug Generoso until my throat burns and my stomach churns. I run until my knees cave. I punch until my knuckles bleed and my shoulders pop out of their sockets. I deal in whatever way I can. Then, I listen as you say you are happier to see my life is all better.

Who am I to say anything at all? Because who am I to ask for anything? What right do I have aside from any other lay person? My words are no different from anybody else's.

It's been too long a time since my last post.

There's been so much good and bad things all around that I just can't go into the details anymore, but I can, as usual, provide a rock ass summary of the things I've done and places I've been the past few weeks.

Photoshoots
Newest photo shoots for the team were of Nikka and Aimee at the Casa and around Rancho Estate 1. It was cool being able to practice strobing outdoors. We we also able to do a shoot with an old Studio 8 friend, Criela.

I also did my own little portrait gallery entitled, "Talking Heads". We'll see how that goes along as well.

Work
I've been beat up even more at work, which is sad because I have lost all sense on inspiration there. I do have a couple of campaigns coming out the next few days so that should be interesting.

Travels
Latest addition to the travel log is CamSur where me, a few of my friends and the group of Travel Factor all went to wakeboard and visit a few churches. Awesomest trip so far this year!

Family
We've also just finished the wake and the interment of my grandfather who passed away at the age of 73 from a lot of complications. It's good that he's able to rest now.

So that's it for now. I'm still alone, still just boxing. So how have you been?

So I am back from the island mountains of Anawangin, Zambales where a big group of nature-lovers and I spent the weekend out of cyber contact.

No mobile signal. No electricity apart from batteries. You won't have food unless you brought some and pottable water was a bit hard to come by. No proper comode, just a nice beach and clear waters, rolling, rocky hills all around. Tall, dried pine trees provide somewhat of a shade from the seering sun. It was all good.

Now back in the office, I come with a recharged body and a bit of a heavy heart. The long hours of lounging on the hammock, scratching on my pad, sleeping on the earth, provided a whole lot of time to really immerse myself with all the issues floating around. No excuse for "more time" anymore.

Conclusion: I am not as smart as I hoped I would be. I was always the Batman, coming up with a weird ass solution to the most complicated of problems.

Not this time.

I thought if you thought hard enough, worked hard enough, prayed, that you will get what you think you deserve. I thought that bad luck will let up and some form of Higher Being will cut you some slack. I thought that, despite knowing there are things that you can't do anything about, doing your "best" will remedy that.

There are things that you cannot do anything about. It's up to them. There are people that will not have the heart to fight, or see what is needed to be seen -- what is right in front of them.

Awesome pictures of Anawangin to follow. I am at work anyway. God I can't wait for CamSur.

I shall be in the boondocks of Zambales from Friday night to Sunday afternoon and will not have access to anything (even a decent comode) until I get back to civilization. We shall be trekking the island mountains of Anawangin and Capones on Saturday. I hope to take some awesome, awesome pictures!