Kiss My Poet

Boat

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 03:23:15 GMT

It's slowly sinking in.

Very slowly.

Well, we've always known it'll probably end up like this. Probably. That's the operative word that makes a fool, courageous -- in turn making 7% of the population extremely elated with a positive result, and the rest of us just schmucks.

We're 97%, the majority, and yet why does it feel like we're so alone in our misery?

It's a lot more painful than I thought it would be, realizing that, most likely, you won't get what you've been aching to get. Regardless of the preparation, the psyching-yourself-up, it still hurts when it does happen. Compound that with it being agonizingly calculating, deliberately moving. Like a knife being slipped in the pit of your stomach -- a millimeter at a time.

And when the hilt touches your pierced skin, it still won't stop there. Now, you slowly turn the blade -- a degree an minute. Even if it's impossibly unbearable, it's not as if you can tel time, "can you speed it up a little and fast forward to roses and daisies?"

Then you realize no matter how you think it's unbearable, it's still bearable (duh). You just wish that you didn't have to. Then you'll wake up one day finally sporting that giddy smile everyone hopes you'd be wearing... Then we'll all hope that everything that's happening now... all the slow, deliberate, painful things... are worth it.

Apparently...

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 03:19:24 GMT

And yet another of them sinking-feeling-in-the-pit-of-your-stomach bit.

Can't I get used to another emotion other than pain and/or rejection? I mean nothing has even started and I already feel like a muck.

Turn Tail

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 03:18:43 GMT

Turn tail and run. That's what's been ringing in my head for a while now. Coincidentally a new song from the Young Knives as well. I haven't articulated how I really felt recently because it's be a mileu of emotions for quite some time now.

My wish to disappear here is still there, though I have friends now that I don't think I will enjoy leaving that much. I read books that say that time passes even for us, broken hearted, broken spirited, us with broken souls. Time passes no matter how it aches, and it will not wait for us no matter how much we beg. We shant get left behind because it will just compound our present misery by adding future oportunity lost.

An upcoming opportunity to just disappear is fast approaching and I cannot turn a blind eye on a potential escape -- a fresh start. Funny this comes now when life has been... dare I say... better than crappy of late. But time passes, even for me. It's a chance to move. Just something new in this life under-appreaciation.

I know I have vowed before... but I will try to write more. In the hopes of someone reading, I will log what's in my lethargic head. Maybe someone will notice.

Featured in Times Square

Mon, 16 Jun 2008 14:07:07 GMT

I took a candid shot of my friend, Bea, and her fiancee, Mark, while we were watching SPIT, an improv show. They then submitted it to one of Sony's Smiles Promo where it featured the photo in Times Square!

Click here to see other photos featured in Times Square.

Officemate

Sat, 24 May 2008 04:29:10 GMT

One day you will say it and I will crumble gracefully like I practiced a million times in front of the mirror.

And that day, as I waft across the crowded room, escaping the jaws of tears, you will try to explain, but no matter how I try to compose and re-compose myself, I won't be able to keep together and I will just leave.

I can't understand why you would do such a thing. Why now, when you have an over-abundance of love that even other people cannot imagine? Why now when you know you are with the few friends that you have? Why now when I am here, hopelessly, desperately, excruciatingly waiting for you... a chance to be with you?

What was there that felt so good that you risked -- knew -- losing all of this?

What can I do? When I'm asked who (or what) you are, I stammer and just end up not saying anything -- fearing (and knowing) that no words an describe "you" and "us". I gave you my entire world, knowing you cannot reciprocate, knowing you are too much of a coward to do anything, knowing I will die in the process, not asking for anything in return -- not asking anything at all.

All you've given me is this anxiety.

Generous Session

Fri, 09 May 2008 02:29:11 GMT

Who am I to ask for anything? Who am I to say how it eats me up inside how I can only wait for details to come vicarously through conversation? What right do I have to share the harrowing pain tearing through my soul when your not around, let alone, with someone else? I am just like everyone else... exaclty like everyone else... no different.

So I chug Generoso until my throat burns and my stomach churns. I run until my knees cave. I punch until my knuckles bleed and my shoulders pop out of their sockets. I deal in whatever way I can. Then, I listen as you say you are happier to see my life is all better.

Who am I to say anything at all? Because who am I to ask for anything? What right do I have aside from any other lay person? My words are no different from anybody else's.

It's Been a Long Time Coming

Sat, 03 May 2008 02:06:38 GMT

It's been too long a time since my last post.

There's been so much good and bad things all around that I just can't go into the details anymore, but I can, as usual, provide a rock ass summary of the things I've done and places I've been the past few weeks.

Photoshoots
Newest photo shoots for the team were of Nikka and Aimee at the Casa and around Rancho Estate 1. It was cool being able to practice strobing outdoors. We we also able to do a shoot with an old Studio 8 friend, Criela.

I also did my own little portrait gallery entitled, "Talking Heads". We'll see how that goes along as well.

Work
I've been beat up even more at work, which is sad because I have lost all sense on inspiration there. I do have a couple of campaigns coming out the next few days so that should be interesting.

Travels
Latest addition to the travel log is CamSur where me, a few of my friends and the group of Travel Factor all went to wakeboard and visit a few churches. Awesomest trip so far this year!

Family
We've also just finished the wake and the interment of my grandfather who passed away at the age of 73 from a lot of complications. It's good that he's able to rest now.

So that's it for now. I'm still alone, still just boxing. So how have you been?

Ponderful Anawangin

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 01:55:39 GMT

So I am back from the island mountains of Anawangin, Zambales where a big group of nature-lovers and I spent the weekend out of cyber contact.

No mobile signal. No electricity apart from batteries. You won't have food unless you brought some and pottable water was a bit hard to come by. No proper comode, just a nice beach and clear waters, rolling, rocky hills all around. Tall, dried pine trees provide somewhat of a shade from the seering sun. It was all good.

Now back in the office, I come with a recharged body and a bit of a heavy heart. The long hours of lounging on the hammock, scratching on my pad, sleeping on the earth, provided a whole lot of time to really immerse myself with all the issues floating around. No excuse for "more time" anymore.

Conclusion: I am not as smart as I hoped I would be. I was always the Batman, coming up with a weird ass solution to the most complicated of problems.

Not this time.

I thought if you thought hard enough, worked hard enough, prayed, that you will get what you think you deserve. I thought that bad luck will let up and some form of Higher Being will cut you some slack. I thought that, despite knowing there are things that you can't do anything about, doing your "best" will remedy that.

There are things that you cannot do anything about. It's up to them. There are people that will not have the heart to fight, or see what is needed to be seen -- what is right in front of them.

Awesome pictures of Anawangin to follow. I am at work anyway. God I can't wait for CamSur.

Out of Reach Reply: Anawangin

Fri, 11 Apr 2008 02:49:56 GMT

I shall be in the boondocks of Zambales from Friday night to Sunday afternoon and will not have access to anything (even a decent comode) until I get back to civilization. We shall be trekking the island mountains of Anawangin and Capones on Saturday. I hope to take some awesome, awesome pictures!

Project: Massacre

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 01:14:39 GMT

I will spending the week or so doing a momentous project that will drain every ounce of creativity that I have in me.

I've always wanted to fill a book with poems... so now I will. I will stuff my favorite little Charlie Chaplin notebook with poems and proses from end to end, and when complete, I will throw it away. Let's see if I can.

I'll check back for updates.

My Destiny Deux

Tue, 08 Apr 2008 03:03:29 GMT

I am not exaggerating -- everything is in the shitter... everything.

In all honestly, I cannnot take anything else anymore. So, God, Allah, Bathala, Beelzebul, whoever or whatever You are, please, I'm through. You don't have to cut me some slack anymore. Just stop kicking me when I'm already down.

My Destiny

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 02:26:43 GMT

My Destiny (internet) sucks!

I haven't had internet for the past week! Earlier this week, it was because of server problems. Now, unpaid balances. It seems that I always get those every month! The most inconvenient is that it happens when I need internet the most.

Aside from missing shows, I haven't uploaded shots I took over the weekend, lowering my status as the insanely fast post process-er. I've also not been sleeping well as of late and usually surfing helps me pass the time and I get some stuff done both for my site and for work.

This sucks! Now I have to pay for the bill and hope I get reimbursed.

In other news
I got the LensCoat for my 24-70L. It looks insanely cool! One of my favorite lenses is now white woodland camo! White! I can't wait to use it later at the fashion show a few of my photo buddies are covering for my old friend, Sam. That's additional shots to post process and upload. I really, really need to have my connection soon!

Also, work has been beating me up. I guess, aside from my dreams, that's the main reason why I really can't sleep -- overwhelming dread for the workday. I can't wait for the workout session to determine what really is my career path and job function. After then, I can really reflect and decide to stay and make this work or just move on. Don't get me wrong, I love my former function and the idea of my job. If it were just me, I'd make this my permanent professional home. If it were just me. There's just nothing really worth the sacrifice in the immediate vicinity. My real friends are gone, the work is menial, and the thought of career growth seems to have faded a long time ago. Still, I will hold off judgement until I get all the angles of the story. I'd like to think that the powers at be have put even a little thought on my career and on me personally. I know I have a little value in this company, but I feel that they find my value lower than what I think I am... it'll make things a lot easier for me.

An Inconvenient Realization...

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 02:15:27 GMT

I know you love me.

Whatever you or everyone else say, I made you love me. Underneath that crass, cunning, crookedly captivating smile of yours, I made you love me.

Thing only thing is... I don't know how much.

I just think if I leave, I don't think you love me enough to make me stay.

Over Dew

Sun, 30 Mar 2008 14:43:11 GMT

Since I am going to increase the throttle on my photography (as well as my boxing every chance I get), I will be posting less photos here, and more on my professional photo site. I will however put lots and lots of links from here to my sites in Blogger, Multiply and Flickr. They will have tons of updates about my shoots because I have shoots and trips lined up for the next several weeks.

Clicketh Jongtography and pass the word! If you can link that site, that'd be awesome! Check some of my work and tell your friends.

Recap
Since I am doing this all from memory, it will better to do it in reverse-chronology. It's a Sunday and I've just finished doing at shoot with the Nikonians at Maic's Gym, Marikina. We shot Aileen and Janus. Don't worry, will link their shots in a bit. As fast as I post process, I still have some backlogs with the numerous shoots that we had the past few days.

Yesterday, Saturday, the Tulis Boys, Jerico and Aaron, brought Macy and Kath for another round at The Casa. I am actually not done processing some of their shots so just check back for updates.

After the shoot, I swung by Chris', my photo buddy and Studio 8 owner, then proceeded to Allan's Grill to meet with the Quorum Citi Girls. I was able to take some really cool art shots but I haven't uploaded it yet so I'll link that later.

Friday, a lot of something should've happened, but didn't. Good thing the Quorum swung by the house to drink beer, smoke and talk about their love lives. It was a chillaxing time tough. Oh, and had lunch with the Communications and HR teams at Banana Leaf Rockwell. Good food! I got people brownies. I worked a lot Friday. That sucks.

Thursday was Quorum Cindy's birthday but we didn't do anything. I do what I usually do when nothing or no one wants to be with yours truly, I box!

Wednesday was a bit of OK. After work, had some drinks (even saw kambal Jose) and swung by Carl's to talk. The events of this day will just be committed to memory.

Tuesday was badminton day. On the way though, I swung by iStudio to upgrade the RAM of Whitey to 2GB! Now I post process even faster. I also got a few other stuff for other people.

Monday, was a blur. I guess even my long-term memory lasts only a week long. Oh, I had a yummy dinner at Cafe La Nuovo, Forbes! The salmon pasta is superb!

Can No Longer Catch Up

Sun, 23 Mar 2008 05:36:45 GMT

First of all, Casa de Clemente is the next location hot spot for photo pros and hobbyists alike!

Jongtography
Aside from shooting the amazing Aimee Bernice and Rea, my dream of shooting the Hollmann Twins also turned into a reality the past few weeks. On the photography front, I am quite good. I gained a few more friends, I beefed my folio and learned a thing or two. I was even invited to teach photgraphy to a group of families with pay!

The past few weeks also, I was hired to shoot for Sassy Shoppe Accessories, makers of dog harnesses and bags. What I learned there was -- dogs are fuckin' hard to shoot! It was good money though. A couple of grand for a few hours of work with free food! I was sweating like a pig the whole time and I did over my work lunchbreak.

Walks
I won't even bother putting it in chronological order. I saw mama May and Maf for a quick dinner, then had grocery (I thnk that was a Wednesday), then went to a Erds' Congratulations Party and Karen and Kaye's Birthday at Ponti. Had this long ass Marketing Booth one Saturday then swung by my bro, Kris Aquino's, birthday.

Then we had the shoots, what else?

I also had a nice catch up dinner last Tuesday at Secret Recipe, a quick Central session Wednesday night then bummed for the Holy Week holidays. Went traveling Good Friday and went to heaven and back... but that was after I had that teaching gig.

Then the twins' shoot.

Late coffee during Black Saturday. So things are quite nice, tiring but nice. I need to go box and clear my head.

Anyway, I just suggest you guys keep visiting Jongtography because there will be lots of shoots that will be posted there the next few days. Also, if you want clearer pictures, my Flickr is the place to be. Drop a line or two at my pro photo Multiply if you can as well.

Little Did He Know...

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 05:18:28 GMT

That he already fell... into the abyss that confuses pain with normalcy, chance with impossibility... love and death.

Little did he know that he was already dying each time they met. Like a perfect cloud, big, fluffy and white for a fleeting moment, scattering after then, though, still big, fluffy and white... just scattered.

The light pierces through him. It hurts... so much that thinking about it would be pointless. He cannot regret feeling, because it is not something that one can fully control. He cannot wish to not have been in the position to experience this soul-calibrating life event because... well... it's a soul-calibrating life event.

He did not wish to be enmored and yet he is. He fights it with every ounce of his being -- to no avail. At best, he is composed. At worst, there's this burning feeling in his chest that consumes him in anger, for not being blessed enough to get his heart's desire, and despair, for not knowing what to do to raise his chances -- not knowing what will make him deserving. In between, he is exhausted fighting off the fantasies knowing that when he gives in, he will be lost in his day dream. He is deflated.

He takes a deep breath. He sighs. He allows himself to covet from afar. He shouldn't anymore though. He can't help it. He forever counts the seconds until they next meet, but they never do. He sees her, but never she never sees the real him. He's always in pain, hiding, cowering like a sissy girl, afraid to be found out. She sees a brittle shell of masks and make-believe.

What?

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 02:28:45 GMT

I've been wondering... what have I been doing? Seriously.

I really don't know what's going on anymore. What am I? What are we? How do I fit in the mechanism of life? Am I just a cog? The fuel? The engine?

What do I want to be?

I know what I want to be. I just don't know how to get from point-A to point-B safely. The consequences far out weigh the benefits and I don't think I can survive not getting the benefits.

I pray now. I go to Church. I box and diet religiously. Who have I become? On paper, it's an improvement from the lethargic person I was, but what's happening?

Actually... I do know what's up... and it fucking hurts.

Another Week that Was

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 16:28:36 GMT

Since I've been beating myself up with boxing the past few weeks, I haven't been posting much, which is weird because I have been out a lot.

So here's the digest version, I was able to hang out with best friends Bru and Wheng at Off the Grill ... I was also able to go to Carl's brother's birthday celebration ... Sunday, I was able to shoot the alluring newly-wed, Macy, at Studio 8 again ... And in between Macy's sets, I was able to jet to Antipolo to shoot Lanie and Ramil's pre nup ... Just a while ago, I was able to quickly pass by to see Maf and May, former Keppel officemates ...

Packed, huh? Well I wish there was more to do. For now, I just want to box and shoot and be with friends. Instead, I slave at work most of the time. Oh, well...

Away

Wed, 05 Mar 2008 04:18:33 GMT

You don't even look back
When you walk away
You don't even see
My soft gaze
I can't take my eyes off you
And you don't have a care
Or you do, but not enough

You see me
But not through and through
You feel me
But not as I do
And your love
Yes, your love
Is a pin drop
Compared to my waterfall

I don't mind at all

Just, sometimes
Look at me when you walk away
And let me know
If you want me to stay

Friggin' Exhausting Past Few Days

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 03:23:03 GMT

Literally just chunk change sleep since Thursday culminated into a knock out after Saturday's Tides session with Carl and the Hereforders.

I finished boxing quite late last Thursday. I didn't realize I have that much pent up frustrations about everything. I actually busted my glove already! A month into boxing and I need to get another glove! My trainer says I punch too hard. I told him to back the hell off!

Friday was quite a long day as well. After the usual long workday, I joined the Main Branch people for some drinking and dining at Conrad's by the Airport Road. Afterwhich, I still swung by Merville to hang. I was already falling asleep on the way home, having to stop a few times to snooze by some road. Kicker is, I still had to be up at 5 AM the next day to set up for the Townhall in Makati.

So I got to Makati Sports Club a little before 7 AM on a Saturday to set up for our office's event. Like I tell my friends, I am an underpaid "kargador" and flyer-maker. The thing ran up to noon then I had a bite and a drink at Friday's High Street with the MB people again before I headed out of town for the afternoon and the early part of that night. Now, this day was long, waking up early driving up and down the Metro and still ending up in Tides with Carl and the Hereforders for some Bad Trip and tons of grilled meat! I was so exhausted that Li had to drive home. As soon as I switched with her, I was snoring (according to Aims).

The night was actually hazy. (To think I didn't even drink a whole lot!) The next thing I remember, I was waking up Sunday around 10-ish, still with my body aching, and reading a message from the Studio 8 boys for a shoot. My body was begging for more sleep, but the opportunity to shoot and beef up my folio was too tempting.

The first model was Skeeter, officemate of one of the Lazy Sunday Shooters. She started of really slow, very tense and very shy, but after an hour or so, she got the hang of not-minding-the-photographers anymore and just posed the hell out of whatever they threw on.

The other model, Gazelle, posed like a pro. She had a lot of looks and she really enjoyed workin' it. I really wouldn't mind working with her again. I actually learned more poses I can use for other models from her than in the magazines that we had.

It's been fun shooting at Studio 8 with the Lazy Sunday Shooters crew. I will always try to tear myself from bed on Sundays to fool around with these guys!

Went straight to mass after the shoot then the usual dinner at Casa Feliz. Such a full weekend for a fool like me. I promise I will try to slow down now, but when I have too much free time, I think about too much crap and it makes me go crazy-er.

So that's the past few days for me in a nut shell. Funny, nutshell from a nut.

As We Go

Wed, 27 Feb 2008 16:07:02 GMT

So like I was saying, the past week was packed. A lot of unfortunate events happened, but I was lucky enough to be preoccupied with friends and fun activities during the long weekend. I was tired, but it was a very productive kind of exhaustion.

Saturday... was a long, long day. I started off with finalizing the arrangements with the guy I bumped. Bro-in-law, Tini, went along with me for support as well as security that I won't lose the money and I won't be swindled by the guy. We went to his doctor to have his ear cleared first. Afterwhich, I went back home to regroup before heading the a marketing booth in San Lorenzo Village.

The marketing booth lasted until around 9 PM. I just had to fix the banners and arrange the tables then I read my Watchmen the whole time. I enjoyed chilling with the Head Office branch people though. After the whole thing, we all had an awesome time singing, eating and drinking!

It lasted a while... a long, long while. Basically, I met up with Carl just before the sun rose. It was all good. Despite some people getting surprised, scolded by their spouse, or wasted, everything still turned out well.

Sunday... just as soon as I got from karaoke and Carl's, I was already preparing to head out to shoot with the Studio 8 boys.

We shot models Arianne and Joyce with the awesome make up of Reia Ayunan. It was extremely nice finally meeting Chris, Aaron and Kiko, my fellow DPP-ers.

After briefly passing by Studio 8, I had to run back home to shoot with the Nikoners: Joel, Roger, Ten and officemate Marianne. We shot former Ms. Earth contestant, Dheza, at my house and I couldn't be happier! I learned a lot from the seasoned photo hobbyists! I can't wait to go shooting again. We finished aroun 8 PM and I was beat already.

Monday... though it was a holiday, I was out the whole day going all around the Metro enjoying my happy self. Great day. One for the books!

Tuesday... I went back to box so I can release my pent up frustrations. I kind of busted my right pinky, but that's the price you pay to be beautiful! So much work! I hate it!

Wednesday... so much work still. I just want to get through the week... so I will box some more tomorrow! Release stress!

Life is Not as Hard

Tue, 26 Feb 2008 05:35:04 GMT

The past few weeks, I have been incessantly complaining about how fucked up this (my) world is. Turns out, it could get a gazillion times worse... and I am already being cut some slack.

Add to the what I thought was already a hell start-of-the-week last week, an even more unfortunate end-of-week struck every facet of my being: physical, emotional, personal, professional and financial. Let's begin...

Wednesday... after being fed up with the stuff I will have to do the next couple of weeks, I finally decided to start boxing at Maic's Gym. It was amazing! I never thought exercise could be this fun! The whole experience was a stress reliever so much so that the very next day, I ordered a pair of kick-ass boxing shoes from Nike online. Downside is, though I felt fit and sexy, my back took an extreme beating that I didn't have much mobility the next few days. That's the price to pay to be beautiful.

Thursday... despite lacking mobility, I still played in our Office Basketball Friendly at a nearby court. If the office day wasn't long enough, now my aching back was contending with my swollen knees and thighs for most the most painful muscle/joint area.

Still not heeding my body's call to rest, I still hungout after basketball with some awesome friends. The result: me clipping a parked uber expensive Nissan Murano on the way home. I won't disclose the details, but basically I had to pay an arm and a leg for the damages, depleting all the savings I have, and hassling my sister, brother-in-law and dad in the process.

The whole thing was a wake up call. I need to grow up.

I am lucky to have a supportive family that could've just let me suffer the consequences of my action, but they helped out. No matter how small or big it was to their eyes, they played a part in not letting me get screwed. I may have lost all my money and one of my dear lenses to that accident, but I did find out that no matter how dysfunctional our family is, family is still family, and "dysfunctional" is the new "cool".

Wow! So much shit and I haven't even gone to my jam-packed Saturday Karaoke, Sunday Photoshoots and Monday Harbour Day! Will just do that after the jump. For now, I bid you an image that says...

"I'ma getcha, bitch!"

Oh, Life! V.5.9.1

Tue, 19 Feb 2008 07:59:00 GMT

I've been thinking -- life sucks!

I mean think about it, there are so many things that can go wrong compared to the things that you'd like to happen. Since you don't think about the things that you don't want to happen, almost everything that hurts or is unexpected or is not according to plan, foils that stuff that you do want to happen -- dreams, likes, loves and such.

I doubt that you get it... but still.

Like relationships, for example, is purely luck! I mean you can throw in hardwork, honesty, some prayers and stuff, but in the end, what are the chances that you will like the person that you are working with, and love the person that you can get to see on a semi-regular basis? Add to that, what are the chances that that person you like, likes you back? Add even more, what are the chances that when you get to know each other, you'd still like each other... or love for that matter?

Then you have to factor in stupid stuff that you did in the past, skeletons, mistakes and such, that you have to make up for or they have to accept. Also, the friends and family or the potential liked, you have to go through all the trouble liking them, them liking you, getting to know, getting all together and what not.

This is tiring. Such a viscious cycle!

Most say, it's worth it in the end. In the end? What if you don't get to the end? Nobody talks much about thwarted efforts and wastage of time. Gosh I wish I get to the end.

I was reading some posts from this photography forum I am member in and there is this wonderful discussion about waiting. No one can wait forever, that is a fact, but we can try. I can try. I want to try. I pray everyday that I have the fortitude to last... but you know that feeling that you know that it's not going your way yet still you want to go and try, you have to still do it? It's not that you're hopeless -- that'll mean that you have more reason to just go balls out because you have nothing to lose anyway. It's having that sliver of hope that's irritating. It's knowing that if you could just do what you have to, you may swing that chance your way. It's knowing that when you do indeed fail, it's because you weren't able to find out those few things that could've elevated you to a better position.

I Have Been Waiting

Sat, 16 Feb 2008 05:42:10 GMT

It's lonely and it's quiet.. but what can you do right?

It's been tough. You have no idea if it's worth it or not. You have no idea if it matters. You just do because that's all you can. Doing nothing makes you nothing. The masochist in you prevails. You wait... for nothing or no one.

It seems that all I've been doing is waiting. I don't think I'd do it different. I can't help but wait.

This Valentine's...

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 15:33:18 GMT

...I went all out for my friends, family and myself...

...Still nothing...